Victor’s Secret

I used to be dapper and dressed to the hilt

All my tackle was perfectly trim

I turned women’s heads, even disarranged beds

And broke a few hearts on a whim
But I went all agog when a strange catalogue

Arrived one day in the mail

Full of racy encounters with lacy pink flounces

Made to hoist my sail
Now Victor’s got a secret

Victor’s got a secret

If you can keep it

Victor’s got a secret if you can keep it
Need a quick pick-me up?
Try a size C cup

You’ll be amazed how good it feels

For a riskier bet try a frisky soubrette

When you’re feeling worn down at the heels
The habitués frown at my gold lame gown

They prefer my shameless Lord Byroning

But I’m simply divine when I sparkle and shine

And my wife doesn’t mind extra ironing
Now Victor’s got a secret

Victor’s got a secret
Don’t you repeat it

Victor’s got a secret don’t you repeat it
Now the pious might curse, and the police do far worse

While the puritans pout their distress

But they don’t bother me,
Victor’s proud and he’s free

Let’s just say I’m cross-dressed for success
Now Victor’s got a secret

Victor’s got a secret
No need to keep it

Victor’s got a secret, no need to keep it

—Andrew Sofer